Interesting and predictively enough, I took an unexpected break from writing. I hate when I do that because its like not calling your mom, or forgetting to call your boo boo goodnight. I know I’ve never made a tradition of it, but I enjoy taking my thoughts and putting them on paper. The key catalyst in turning the gears of this lovable habit is the most valuable currency of all; time. For the past four years, I felt like I was on borrowed time. Nowadays I seem to have a little more surplus of time, which can be treated as a blessing and a curse. After taking a detour on my route to graduation, I made the conscious decision to take a step back and take time to myself, in many things. I detached from campus life, for the most part, and amongst other things am taking time to dedicate to myself.
Now as I always have to do, I have to launch a disclaimer, and say that I’m NOT taking time to myself to “get better” or become a better “me.” In a not-asshole-kind of way, I love myself and think I’m pretty darn all right. I mean if you take me minus the extra weight, I think I am a pretty solid catch! (Catch the irony? It’s high comedy in a way.) So to get it straight, I’m not trying to make myself better, I’m trying this solo thing for a while see what the benefits are.
So in a Hank Moody type of way, I’m back again to transferring my thoughts and emotions, which already seem to be on my sleeve most of time, into more fluid rivers of expression.
Its crazy how I find myself in another new point in my life, a little often. Embarrassingly enough, I think it’s healthy to consistently want more for your own self. As cliché as it sounds, do not settle. Ever. Look for more in life that lets you experience all emotions. Believe it or not, you grow from emotional happiness as much as you do from distress. You grow as much from a break up, as you do when you realize you love someone for the first time. Although two very opposite things, they affect your brain and soul with the same magnitude.
Over the past year I have learned that you may miss on important self-realizations and opportunities if you ignore these interactions. A lot of people tend to block out negative experiences, usually due to some psycho crap where people say they are so scarred or that they are “dealing” with it. I never really understood that until a slight run in with actually going to “talk” to someone because I had trouble processing. At least to me “dealing” with something really just means processing it. It means making sense of a difficult situation. However, what I see people do is take them literally. Taking these negative experiences and using them to your advantage, now that’s a good idea. At least I think it is? Something crappy happens and then you mope for Lord knows how long and then what? Times wasted. Rewind and imagine this way; something crappy happens, it hurts, you take the positives from it and make lessons from it. That’s how I think one can become better. Dwelling solves nothing, point blank.
Now in case you were worried I’m not traumatized about anything, I tried the “talking to someone” thing and didn’t like it. At this point, I manage all aspects of my life. I enjoy my living situation, my friendships are doing very well, so I guess you can say things are dandy. Recently, I was ignoring dealing with a certain relationship, but after healthy conversation the relationship formed to what it really need it to be and that’s great. So in all, I am on my way upward and I’m doing it to please Manny. Me. Myself. Yo. It’s not being selfish, its loving yourself enough to make the decisions that are best for you. Not complicated. So, I love myself when I’m writing, so that I will continue to do.
Still trying to under promise and over deliver,